when i am feeling unloveable 
and confused i am getting signs 
that i have fallen asleep and 
need to hold out the palm of my 
hand and see my dilemma in the 
palm of my hand and hold it gently 
and take deep breaths into my belly 
and exhale deeply while holding the 
dilemma gently out in front of me 
in the palm of my hand and gaze softly 
and do this first so that i can see 
my circumstances clearly, 
without the distraction of the 
self hating monologue. 


i need to connect with my 
Love or Power within. and 
ask for help within. i also 
have to commit again and again 
to whatever i have chosen as my 
beacon Home - and commit to a 
definition of "home" that feels as safe and 
loving as i want it to be 
even if i still hear voices telling me i am not worthy… 
that place - called Home - is as safe and loving and whole 
as i want it to be and the 
mysterious forces of the universe will take me 
the rest of the way there if i just remember to 
point myself towards it. and if i can't feel 
the strength to do that, then find the strength 
to ask for help in turning, in FAITH that my 
loving safe HOME IS REAL. 
as real as the very breath i take, 
for that is all I have - NOW. this breath.... 
inclusive of all that appears to precede or follow, 
but here is my anchor, here is my vessel, here is my Northern Star and my compass to guide me. here. in the center of the center of the center of the center...

...of the center of the center of the center of the center ...of the center of the center of the center of the center ...of the center of the center of the center of the center ...

first things first, when i am all flared up or flattened out

first things first, when i can't see beyond the cloud

and unless there is a tree 
falling down or a piano dropping 
20 floors above my head, i really don't 
necessarily need to Act SO Fast. 
so i can just lean over to tie my shoe 
while i figure out what to do, once i've 
let go of the emo-urgency. 
and i say all this through gritted teeth and knuckles white 
as i let another day pass into night too. 
but i have experience. and i do know, this too shall pass. 
meanwhile chop wood carry water and 
start shakin that ass shakin that ass

consternation leads to mental constipation, rendering one incapable of hearing the voices of imagination, creativity and love.  its okay if you feel like shit and you need to come to my house, just don't shit on my living room floor. go straight to the bathroom, crap into the crapper where it belongs and then we can talk and share productively. its fine too if you want to keep showing up in my dream to show me where i still hold out for separation, but i am vigilant for my Whole Mind so i embrace it as my own and move on.  we probably won't get to hang out much if you keep insisting on holding yourself stuck inside a cracked head - not seeing the light that is coming in. as soon as there is light, the dark is gone. "everything has a crack in it, that's how the Light gets in" -leonard cohen. if you want your Visions to come to fruition, you have to give your vision to yourself first and do the work. and doing the work to get your visions out to the world isn't about marketing or pounding the pavement or social media, if you don't test drive it yourself everyday. first things first, Whole Mind has to be your personal Practice, so that form can follow Function. one cannot Trust in their own Vision without this self-directedness and would naturally be worried and frustrated about it. if we want our visions to sustain us, and we want to trust in them, we must know it, love it and understand it by our Practice within ourselves, first things first, and release result oriented thinking.  trust within Is the work.  we all know how to put one foot in front of the other and speak. it has nothing to do with the past and all the effort and work you have done. it has to do with this very instant, right now, where you have the choice to Live your vision from within or push it out like a really tough poOP! why be sisyphus when you are the Mountain, the Man, the Boulder, the Sky and Dreamer of the dream? you decide!  …just keepin it real over here at First Things First studio, east village new yawk citee!

i know that voice is there.  i know that guiding hand is there.  i cannot feel it sometimes.  but i just know its there.  the guiding hand that takes my hand and looks me in the eyes and speaks to me in a way that is undeniably True.  you can see it in those eyes.  and i know those eyes.  i have seen those eyes.  i used to see two sets of eyes.  one was very dark and sinister.  masculine. that was when i was a child. then as a young adult, while still seeing those dark sinister eyes in my dreams… that's how i would see them.  just a pair of dark molten red eyes, emerging from the infinite black and pushing right towards me and those eyes were right up to my eyeballs' watery edges. i started seeing another pair of eyes, these new eyes, when i left home for university.  these new eyes would often appear, not in my dreams but when i was asked in some classroom or group exercise, "where do you see yourself in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years?" and that's when would see these new eyes. crystal clear, blue-green and white hair flying around the outline of her face. i never see her face, just the eyes, but i know its a woman. smoothly approaching, taking just two or three confident incoming swifts, as she was already quite close when she initially appears. and really really close so that's all i could see but at a place where i could see into them and them into me. and i feel Certainty. the certainty of me. we will keep meeting again and again, these crystal blue-green persuasions. each time i remember my True self.

feur yuhr faeaveaur

mar 28 '11

"It takes courage to push yourself to places that you have never been before, to test your limits, to break through barriers. And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.... Creation which cannot express itself becomes madness." ~anais nin

reinstating mission

in pursuit of the betterment of my own irreplaceable life, i necessarily improve the lives of others

value, imagine, investigate, practice, take care, visualize and realize.

or nothing at all.

WWPND

i just realized he already told me what to do....

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

stop.

dump the punks.